“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.” ~ J.K. Rowlings

A couple of months ago I was offered a unique project, one vastly different than anything I was comfortable or familiar with.  I spent several weeks debating if I was the right choice for this endeavor. Not surprisingly, the self-doubt and the “what ifs” crept in. What if I royally botch this up? What if people hate me or think I’m a moron? What if I hit a hurdle that I can’t overcome? What if I screw up the outcomes? The internal critic was screaming so loudly that I was deterred from accepting a once-in-a-lifetime offer.  On decision day, I recall providing my husband a slew of justifications that I would use to decline the opportunity - “I’m too young, lack experience, there’s a more suitable individual out there, etc.” In reality, I was simply too scared and feared failing.

Thanks to the gentle nudging and encouragement from my husband and the continued persistence of the individual extending this offer, I accepted.  Still full of doubt, I devoted every single minute that I could and expended all of my energy into this effort.  It took a toll on my training, my sleep, my time with my husband and friends, and honestly, a whole lot of my sanity. But since I knew the deadline was in a few weeks, I relentlessly carried on.  It wasn’t until I was fully invested in this project and accepted that I could only perform to the best of MY abilities, did my doubts begin to diminish.  It’s too early to learn the outcome of my effort but I’m stoked that I tried.    

This got me thinking on what else I am fearing or fleeing?  What other opportunities or goals am I keeping myself from exploring?  What I am holding back in my training or competing?

It made me reflect on my first 50 miler, Run Rabbit Run in Steamboat, Colorado, a couple years back. My husband signed us up willy-nilly, so that we could push our limits together and with a few of our closest running buddies. I remember being plagued with all the reasons why my body wouldn’t handle such a distance and what I would do when if I quit halfway through.  I recall packing my race pack and drop-bags with enough food and supplies to be out in the wilderness for at least a week (not the 11 hours that it actually took). Somehow, I ended up racing strong most of the course, minus a few moments around mile 40 where I was seriously questioning my sanity.

Both the recent professional opportunity and my first 50 miler are good reminders of how much satisfaction comes with accepting a challenge and pushing personal limits. As I get older it seems to be getting harder to say “yes” to challenges. Moreover, my internal critic seems to be much louder. Given this awareness, I want to think of a few running challenges that I have been resisting but would secretly love to experience. The first would be to run a 100 miler - a feat I’ve seen many of fierce friends tackle. The other would be to race a crazy course like the North Pole Marathon or the Volcano Marathon in the Atacama Desert, both of which are amazing events put on by a rockstar runner and super-cool race director named Richard Donovan. Both of these goals still seem insane and terrifying, but I’m placing both on my bucket – list.

Whether you desire to run an ultra, climb your first 14er, practice a yoga inversion, try a new sport or job – Don’t let the “what ifs” scare you.  Be realistic, of course, and gradually push your comfort zone. But don’t get stagnant, because there is simply less satisfaction and less excitement in staying still.  This continues to be a daily struggle for me; I have to constantly remind myself to rise above my fears and embrace new challenges, because the biggest failure is not trying at all.